


YouFood Roulette

by copperbadge, scifigrl47



Series: The Foodieverse [18]
Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Food Service, Food, M/M, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 16:10:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16222622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperbadge/pseuds/copperbadge, https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifigrl47/pseuds/scifigrl47
Summary: Steve and Tony get trapped in a foodie YouTube hole, but not before arguing about Tony’s definition of "medical attention".





	YouFood Roulette

**Author's Note:**

> scifigrl47 and I spent an afternoon watching food network. We regret nothing. (We regret so much.)

"I'm Sam Wilson," Sam said, beaming at the camera.

"And I'm Bucky Barnes," Bucky added, not quite as naturally cheerful, but Steve could tell he always made an effort.

"And this," Sam said, as if he was about to say the usual _is Cheap Eats_ , but instead Bucky reached under the counter in front of them and lifted a laughing, squirming DJ up to shoulder-height.

"Is DJ's Cheap Eats!" they chorused in unison.

"Yay!" DJ added, throwing his arms in the air.

"You realize we sent DJ out with two babysitters tonight, and we're sitting home watching him on YouTube," Tony said, curled up under Steve's arm on the sofa.

Steve, a bowl of green-onion popcorn in his lap, turned his head to kiss Tony's temple as the video played. "We hadn't seen his video with Sam yet. Anyway, you miss him when he's not around."

"I won't admit it."

"He's having a good time out with Sam and Bucky, just like he did for the video," Steve pointed out.

"Thank God," Tony said. "Where did they say they were going, anyway?"

"It's a secret," Steve told him, as the Cheap Eats opening animation ended.

"DJ is on loan to us from his dad, who's a friend of the show," Sam said. Bucky propped DJ on his hip, and DJ gave the camera an especially cute smile. "Because we know that often the people who need cheap, easy eats the most are the ones who are worried about providing healthy meals their kids will actually eat. So today DJ's gonna help us make some really easy meals your kids will love."

"Milk and anything in milk," Tony sighed.

"Hey, I was a picky eater too, and I turned out okay," Steve reminded him.

"You're a supertaster."

"And you know DJ has some sensory stuff going on."

"Yeah, yeah." Tony rubbed his face as Sam, in the video, started talking about how to select good breads from the grocery store and what to look for in a cold cut. "It's not his problem, it's mine."

"It doesn't have to be a problem at all."

"I just hate that I can't feed him better."

Steve rested his chin on the top of Tony's head. "You feed him fine. Look at him, he's adorable."

"The camera adds ten pounds."

Steve laughed. Onscreen, Sam and Bucky were both working to keep DJ still while he stirred a panful of thin-sliced beef on the stove.

"Cooking with a kid can really be empowering for both of you," Sam was saying, as DJ picked up one strip of meat with a piece of tongs to inspect it. "Kids are more likely to eat something they've had, you know, some agency over. They know what's in it."

"Hey DJ, what's in these sandwiches?" Bucky asked.

"Toasty buns," DJ said, intently focused. "And french and dip."

"French AND dip, huh?" Bucky asked.

DJ pointed to the meat, said "French," and then pointed to the au jus Sam was preparing. "Dip!"

Tony covered his face. "I'm the worst chef ever, my son thinks beef is called French."

"You are so neurotic," Steve told him, as Sam plated the french dip sandwich. "I thought I was a head case, but you are lapping me."

"And this is how you make a cheap, awesome french dip your kids will love," Sam said. "Hey DJ, what do you think?"

DJ was chewing a bite thoughtfully, sitting on the counter cross-legged.

"Would be better in a smoothie," he said. Bucky barked a laugh. Tony buried his face in Steve's shoulder, his laughter slightly more hysterical.

"That's okay!" Sam said. "Up next we're making the DJ Smoothie Special. Now, we're using peanut butter, but you can use almond butter or any other kind of nut butter you like, if your kids have allergies. You can also substitute greek yogurt as a thickening agent, or soft tofu -- "

"Noooo," DJ said, overdramatically collapsing into Bucky's arms. "No tofuuuuuuuu."

"Gosh, I wonder how anyone ever guesses he's your kid," Steve said.

"Tofu is fine in its place, but its place is not in my kitchen," Tony said. "My child knows my laws."

"You two are going to enjoy DJ's teen years so much," Steve told him.

"Don't remind me," Tony groaned. Onscreen, Bucky was holding DJ around the waist, suspended over a covered pot he was shaking over a flame.

"You can experiment with a lot of oils for making popcorn," Sam said, as DJ continued to shake the pot, "but really cheap-ass canola oil or vegetable oil will work just as well, or air-popping if you have the equipment. What you want to do to really add flavor is to infuse the butter or margarine for the popcorn with some herbs. In this case, because DJ's too little for hot butter -- "

"And knives!" DJ chimed in.

"And knives," Sam added, "I'm just heating some butter with a little bit of rosemary in it, and once we've added the butter to the popcorn we'll give it a quick shake with Parmesan. If you don't have straight up grated parm, you can always use the packets from your last pizza delivery. Who'd you get this recipe from, DJ?"

"Steve!" DJ yelled.

"Steve Rogers, friend of the show, who will be here next week to show you all his secret recipe for Cosmic Cookies," Sam said to the camera, as Tony pointed at Steve and laughed. 

"I promised him! Anyway, Cosmic Cookies belong to the world," Steve said, watching Sam pour hot rosemary butter over the popcorn. Bucky ripped open a packet of fake Parmesan with his teeth, and DJ accepted it gravely and shook it over the popcorn while Sam stirred.

"And this," Sam announced, taking a handful of popcorn --

"Is DJ's Cheap Eats!" DJ said, and Sam threw the popcorn at the camera. The standard "Friend, Like, and Follow" end-of-video panel appeared, and Steve patted Tony on the thigh, standing up.

"I need a drink," Tony said, standing as well. "I'll take the bowl."

"I'll hit the bathroom and then -- movie time?" Steve asked. Tony nodded and Steve went to the bathroom, washing the grease off his fingers and taking care of business, checking to make sure there was no green onion in his teeth.

When he got back, Tony had a cocktail in one hand and there was a beer for Steve sitting on the coffee table; the TV was playing, but not a movie or even his Netflix queue. Instead it was another YouTube video -- a giant, red-faced man talking about quality pork belly.

"What is this?" Steve asked, and Tony shushed him intently. "Tony -- "

"He's baking pork belly," Tony said.

"That's not really -- "

"He's baking it in lard," Tony hissed. Steve sat down abruptly.

"But pork belly is...it's 90% fat already," Steve said. "He can't be -- oh my God!" he added, as the man spooned pure lard out of a jar and into the pot where he'd been browning the pork belly.

"And he's going to put it in the oven and -- there it goes!" Tony crowed. Both of them watched in horrified silence as the camera changed angle to indicate time passing, and the chef reached into the oven to take out the fully-cooked pork belly.

"Look at that fat frying in fat," Tony said, eyes glazing over. 

Before Steve could reply, the chef announced, "Now we just scoop this out and deep-fry it -- "

"DEEP FRY IT," Steve yelled. Tony shrieked in appalled delight. But even as he put the fry basket into the oil, Tony cocked his head.

"What?" Steve asked.

"Well, I mean...I'd still eat it," Tony said.

Steve stared at him in horrified silence. Tony stared back. “What?”

“Just how high is your cholesterol?”

“Not high enough to kill me,” Tony said, without a hint of shame.

"Oh, that’s comforting. I'm going to get a damn blood pressure cuff," Steve said.

“I swear if I wake up at two am some morning and you’re taking my blood pressure, Rogers…”

“Like you’d notice,” Steve said. Tony waved him off, and Steve sighed. "I worry about you. When was the last time you saw a doctor?" 

"Does Dr. Strange count?" Tony asked.

"Dr. Strange sells herbs out of the back of his van," Steve said, appalled. "He gave you a free jar of pork rub because you paid him to read your aura. He said Peter's chakras were clogged. No, Dr. Strange does not count!"

“I think Peter’s got bigger problems than his chakras,” Tony pointed out. “And his stuff’s organic. Organic and locally sourced and all natural, you like ALL these things.”

“He sells seasoning mixes and herbs out of the back of a van,” Steve said. “No one knows where he comes from. No one knows where he gets his stock. No one knows if the guy driving his van -- ”

“Wong,” Tony said.

“What?”

“His driver’s name is Wong. He’ll mix you a pepper spice rub on the spot that might spontaneously catch fire if exposed to direct sunlight. I’m pretty sure the secret ingredient was crystallized rage. Or ginger. One of those two.”

“I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be buying spice rubs if you don’t know what’s in them,” Steve said.

“Well, not for the restaurant, but I’ll be honest, once I saw that pork roast go up like a Roman candle, I seriously considered it. We just need a waiver and a few more fire extinguishers around.”

“He sells mystery herbs,” Steve said. 

“But he’s got quality spices and a bitchin’ van,” Tony said. He glanced at Steve. “Ever notice that it’s got a different picture painted on it every time he comes around?”

“Yes, I notice. I notice that -- ” Steve rubbed a hand over his face. “I asked him who did his work and he told me neither I nor my truck were ready for the mystic secrets of his paint job.”

“Last week, it had two panthers fighting,” Tony said gleefully. “With battle axes.”

“I… Missed that,” Steve said. “And I think I’m glad.” On screen, the chef was plating a watermelon salad that was easily half deep fried pork belly and half chunks of bright red watermelon. Steve was pretty sure no one was eating that thing for the melon. “Why?”

“Why what?” Tony leaned against him, throwing a leg onto the couch. “Why did they have battle axes? I asked him, he said it was because they were magic.”

Steve paused. “That makes no sense.”

“Neither does paying full price for organic dill,” Tony said. He let out a sigh as the camera zoomed in on the salad. “All of that, and he dumps it on arugula. Why bother with any of that other shit if you’re just going to ruin it with shoddy lettuce choices?”

“Really? The LETTUCE is your problem here?” Steve asked. But he couldn’t resist pressing a kiss to Tony’s hair. “I can hear your heart beating from here.”

“My heart is impervious to saturated fats,” Tony said, his voice arch.

The YouTube video ended, and Steve reached for Tony's phone, which they were using as a remote. Before he could manage to grab it, the next video in the ‘recommended’ queue started up with a cheerful run of notes.

"Hi, everyone! I’m Stella, and this is 'Horrors From Your Grandma’s Recipe Box!'" The young woman grinned at the camera, her dark eyes bright beneath a bright blue shock of bangs. “Today, we’ll be making a Spaghetti-O Jell-O mold! Or as I call it, ‘God, No, Spaghetti-Os!’”

“Oh, my God,” Steve said, and Tony grabbed his wrist.

“Wait,” he said, his eyes locked on the screen.

“No,” Steve said. He fumbled for the phone.

“Now, you might be asking-” Stella leaned forward, her eyes going wide. “Whhhhhhhhhy?”

“I am,” Steve said. “Tony, please let me-”

“Nope.” Tony picked up the phone and shoved it under his butt, wiggling down into the couch firmly. Steve stared at him with a sense of pained resignation. 

“Now, let’s get started with making-” Stella reached under the counter and came up with a full sized, full-color picture. Steve stared at, his mouth hanging open. “This!”

“That looks AMAZING,” Tony said, his voice hushed. Almost reverent.

“It looks like a blood clot studded with Cheerios,” Steve told him.

“With a sprig of parsley on top,” Tony agreed. He settled back against Steve’s chest. “We’re watching this.”

Steve stared at the ceiling. “Why?” he asked, a prayer or a plea.

“Because I can USE this,” Tony said.

Steve wondered if he should call Bruce and warn him. “No, you can’t.”

“Aspics, Steve. I think it’s time someone brought them back.” Tony watched, his face alight with a sort of unholy glee. On the TV, the host was dumping a box of unflavored gelatin into a bowl containing two cans of Spaghetti-Os. “The textures alone…”

“Tony, no one’s going to pay your prices for canned pasta in Jell-O.”

“No, but they’ll pay my prices for hand stretched Udon suspended in miso flavored gelatin,” Tony mused. “Set in antique molds, maybe I’ll slice-”

“I’m going to get that remote from you sooner or later,” Steve said, untangling himself from Tony's grasp.

“It’s far too late to stop me,” Tony said. On screen, Stella revealed a horrific looking pile of tomato gloop. “See? Look at that. I can do better than that.”

“It’s not possible to do worse than that,” Steve agreed. He squirmed the other direction and then, when Tony tried to pin him down, snapped one hand under Tony's ass and heaved, half-lifting him off the cushion and grabbing the phone when he saw light. He held it away from Tony and was trying to open the remote-control app when a new video started.

"Tired of paper trays for food service and all the waste that comes with them?" a voice asked.

Both of them froze.

"No," Tony said firmly, just as Steve tucked the phone under his own ass. "No, Steve, paper trays -- "

"Want to learn how to make your own edible plates and waxed paper packaging?" the man on screen was asking. There was a table behind him covered in bowls of food -- shrimp, it looked like, and some kind of batter, and a huge stack of compressed seaweed.

"Steve, nobody's going to eat your edible food trays -- "

"All you need are shrimp, a starch batter, and a little seaweed!" the man crowed, and Steve put Tony in a gentle wrestling hold to prevent him from retrieving his phone.

"I'm gonna make shrimp-flavored serving trays," Steve said, voice awed, eyes wide. Tony, apparently giving up, went limp on top of him and moaned _Noooooo_ in a voice reminiscent of DJ's reaction to tofu.

***

"Daddy!"

Steve jerked awake to DJ's enthusiastic yell, and did what he'd come to think of as the Immediate DJ Check:

1\. Am I still wearing pants?

2\. Are my hands anywhere they shouldn't be in front of a small child?

3\. Can I smell smoke or hear mechanical noises anywhere in the immediate vicinity?

He managed to assure himself of the first two almost immediately -- they were still on the sofa, had probably fallen asleep there -- and DJ sounded happy, not worried, so he dismissed the third. He opened his eyes just in time to see DJ run through the front door, trailed by Bucky carrying his car-seat and Sam, carrying a large white paper bag.

Tony was not quite awake when DJ leapt and landed on him; the air went out of him in a huff and DJ planted a smacking kiss on his cheek before immediately crawling across him to cuddle up in Steve's arms.

"You two look like you had a wild night," Sam remarked, which was when Tony let out a strained yelp and dove for his phone. It was like watching someone naked try to find a pillow to cover themselves with. Sam, oblivious to the upset, continued into the kitchen to stow the leftovers. "Jarvis sent some garlic scallion pancakes and a couple'a links of that sausage you like," he called, as Tony madly patted himself down, trying to find the phone.

Bucky swooped down on the phone, discarded on the arm of the sofa, before Tony could. It lit up and he swiped his thumb across the remote control buttons. The YouTube page, still visible on the television, scrolled upwards.

"What...were you watching?" he asked, horror mingled with glee.

"Don't traumatize the kid!" Sam yelled.

"It's not what you think," Bucky yelled back, enthusiastically re-opening _Cooking A Five Pound Hamburger For An Eating Challenge._ Sam came back into the living room, grinning as he watched a chef flip an enormous burger patty.

"They were watching food videos all evening," Bucky said. "They sat here and watched terrible food videos all evening!"

"We also argued about Dr. Strange," Steve said, as Tony tried to attack Bucky over the back of the sofa and DJ climbed Steve's torso for a better view of the action. "DJ, butt in face," Steve said, and DJ obediently plopped his butt on Steve's shoulder instead.

"The guy who sells spices out of his van?" Sam asked.

"I love him!" Bucky said. "He told me I was worshipped as a snow god in a previous life!"

"I think he dries his herbs on the manifold of his van engine," Sam said. "They're good, I might try it."

"Did he ever try to sell you his cholesterol-clearing pomegranate curry mix?" Bucky asked.

Tony looked at Steve, eyes wild.

"No, Tony," Steve said firmly. He reached up and took the phone from Bucky's hand, closing out of YouTube and turning the television off. He rotated DJ around and asked, "Did you have a good time being Sam and Bucky's chaperone?"

DJ nodded, then decided he wanted to sit on Tony instead, and fell backwards. Tony caught him, beaming down at him.

"Where did you -- wait," Tony said, looking back at Sam. "Did you say Jarvis sent food home with you? You took him to Vision? Traitors!"

"He loved it. We gave him a beer," Bucky said solemnly.

"Root beer," Sam added, before Tony could blow a vein. DJ looked up at Tony, wrinkling his nose.

"Too many bubbles," he announced.

"Okay, come on," Tony said, gathering his child up and standing. "Time to put you to bed, and leave Steve to kick these miscreants out of my house."

"Miscreants," DJ agreed, as Tony carried him down the hall. Bucky vaulted the sofa to give Steve a huge grin.

"You watched FoodTube all night and didn't even get to make out, I bet," he said.

"We fell down a hole watching them make hard candies at one point, we made out a little during that," Steve said. "Incidentally I would steer clear of the TOBRU kitchen for the next few days. There's going to be...there'll be a lot of aspic, I guess, is the best warning I can give. Also, I need to know who supplies those crispy potato flakes you use for topping ice cream with," he said to Sam.

"Why?" Sam asked suspiciously.

"No reason," Steve said.

"HE'S MAKING EDIBLE TERRIBLE POTATO PLATES!" Tony's voice drifted down the hallway, and Bucky fell off the couch laughing.


End file.
